im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
the raccoons are back...
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