So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
