I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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