Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
