i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
