I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
