You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
