apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
