Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
