Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
