I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
