I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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