He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
