My brain says no but my pants say off.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
