Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
