I puked a lego.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
