For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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