it hurts more in the daytime
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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