She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
