i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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