It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
