Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
