So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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