I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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