I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
