Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
