dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
