Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
