I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
