3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
