I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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