That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
