We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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