Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
