can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
