even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
