my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
