What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
