the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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