Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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