We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
