yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
