I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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