I cannot find my penis.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
