all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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