I wish my penis had an off switch
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
