i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
