hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
