my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Someone signed my nipple.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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