Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
