we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
