allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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