I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
