Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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