I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize