I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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