Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
