Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize