if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
