sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
