everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
4 words: hood of his car
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
