well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Less talking, more tequila
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
