Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
